Before meeting my current girlfriend I was pretty big into this PUA thing. If you've browsed r9k with any frequency you know the deal. Whether or not it works is not the subject of this post (though the answer is ”yes it does”). I might post more PUA-adventures later, but this is one of my more.. memorable.. pick-ups.
It was November 2009, and I was alone at the nightclub on a Tuesday night. In a very un-PUAish manner, I was sitting by myself next to the dancefloor, nursing a beer. Soon I noticed a young, cute girl going from guy to guy, taking them dancing and then dumping them on the dancefloor after ten or so seconds. She was going in order, and my turn would come up soon. Luckily I had, by then, devoured tens of thousands of pages of PUA-literature and a few days worth of DVDs (no joke, and I've read a lot more since) so this was going to be a piece of cake.
She came to me and took me to the dancefloor. She immediately started grinding me, just like with every other guy. As Mystery once said, the pick-up artist must be an exception to the rule. Rather than let her grind me, I shoved her away from me and grinned. For a split second there was a look of helpess confusion on her face. Then she smiled, and shoved me back. It was totally on. I alternated between shoving her away and pulling her against me, occasiounally picking her up and spinning her around. After a song or two, I took her to sit down and talk.
The girl was dumb as a sack of bricks. Think female Forrest Gump. It was hard to keep a conversation going with her, but she appeared totally into me. I also noticed she was drinking pretty heavily. While I didn't like the girl, I wanted to fuck her for practice, and couldn't let her pass out on me. Luckily at some point she handed me 5 euros and asked me to get her a drink. I went to the bar, and asked the bartender to mix something non-alcoholic for her. I kept doing that for the rest of the night.
4 a.m came, and it was time to go home. First we headed to McDonald's to grab a late-night snack, though. She was still living at home, so she called her mom.
Her: Hey mom.. I'm not coming home tonight.
Mom: What? Where are you going?
Her: To some guy's place. * hangs up *
Me and my prize headed for the taxi stand. At the queue, she started loudly asking me if I was just like the other guys, and only wanted to fuck her. The middle-aged women in front of us gave me a nasty look. I told her I think she's a great girl and I want to get to know her better. She looked happy. When we got to my place, she told me she was a bit nervous since didn't usually go home with strange guys. ”Yeah right”, I thought.
Once inside, she said she wanted to take a shower. ”It's 5 a.m on a Wednesday morning and my roommates are sleeping” I told her, ”we're not gonna take a shower”. I took her to my bedroom, and things went from bad to worse. When I took her shirt off, I noticed she had a beer-belly that hadn't been visible before. How the fuck does an 18-year-old even get a beergut?? Jesus. She also had the tiniest breasts I've even seen. Having come this far though, I was determined to go all the way. I laid her on the bed and started fondling and suckling her tits. After about 3 seconds of this I realised she had hairy nipples. Fuck.. I decided it's time to go down-town, and started inching my face toward her pussy.
Then she started pulling her panties off, and revealed the hairiest pussy I have seen in my life. She told me that before we can fuck I need to lick her. BITCH I'M NOT GOING THERE! Thinking quick, I told her we're gonna take a shower.
When we got to the bathroom, she turned the shower on steaming fucking hot, and sat directly under it. The water was so hot I had to stand near the opposite wall. Then something I thought I'd never see happened. While sitting there, under the cascade of scalding water, she started farting. It echoed loudly off the tile floor and walls. When she heard the sounds, she began to giggle.
SO LET'S RE-CAP THIS SHIT: It's 5.30 a.m, and I have a 18-year-old fucking problem drinker with a beergut sitting in my shower farting and giggling. HOW THE FUCK DID IT COME TO THIS?? All I wanted was a good fuck.
I gave up completely. I got my arm around the burning water, turned the shower off, and gave her a towel to dry herself with. Then we went to bed. I actually tried to have sex with her, but she was so tight I couldn't even get a finger in. Guess she wasn't lying about not usually doing this. When we woke up I took her to the bus-stop, and never returned her calls afterwards.