Hard partying in Lanzarote

Lanzarote is a beautiful island somewhere off the coast of Africa. It's also where I had one of the hardest parties of my life.

This February me and my friend decided to go to Lanzarote and surf for a week. He's really good, and I'd never touched a surfboard before (the opportunities are scarce in Finland), but I was really excited to go.

When we got there, I immediately rented a surfboard for myself and hit the waves. I never knew the ocean is so salty, but I got used to it after a few hours. Anyway, it was horrible, I probably spent more time rolling along the sea-floor than on the surfboard. After such a hard day of surfing, we decided it's time to party. We ate a nice meal at the local restaurant, dressed well and took the bus to Puerte Del Carmen.

It turned out that it was some sort of a carnival night, the whole island was there wearing awesome (and not so awesome) costumes and partying.. Looks like we picked the right night to go out! We went straight to a nice looking bar and got to drinking. We did some bar-hopping during the night, and asked the locals what the best club in town was. The answer was always the same, but the place wasn't open yet (and I forget the name.. it was a number) so we went to a bar that offered pipe-tobacco, though I really don't know what it was we were smoking.

Finally the "best club" opened, and we headed straight in. My friend is Colombian and loves tequila, so we started doing shots. But get this - instead of actual shots, the bargirl poured us half a highball glass each. It was two or three mouthfuls to get the whole "shot" down. We didn't mind, of course, and kept ordering more. After a few tequilas my memory cuts off and all I remember is my friend - at some point during the night - punching me in the mouth and shouting "Why are you being such a faggot?" and I was like "Why are you hitting me man??". And then I woke up in my bed and it was morning.

I felt my lip.. sure enough it was swollen like a motherfucker. Then I checked my clothes. Blood on my shirt and t-shirt.. weird light-blue powder on every article of clothing.. missing my wallet, though my debit-card was in my breast pocket. I woke up my friend and asked him what the hell happened last night.

Apparently after a few tequila shots I had "gone crazy" with all the Spanish hotties around, and started "attacking" them (I'm not sure what I actually did, but I think it included close and unwanted physical contact). The doormen had told my friend to get me under control or they'd throw us both out. So my friend decided to start punching me all over so I'd come back to reality. He told me I calmed down a bit and then we left the club.

Once outside, I passed out in front of the door. This, coupled with the fact that there were so many fights inside (not sure how many started by me) led to the club being closed a few hours early. When I was woken up, we started looking for a taxi. He told me I kept throwing my wallet and phone away and he had to pick them up numerous times. We finally got into a taxi. On the way home, I got the bright idea to jump off the taxi while it was going at about 120km/h. While I was fumbling with the door the driver realised what I was planning and slammed the brakes. Ouch..

I must've dropped my wallet in the taxi, because my friend tells me I took it out to pay. Anyway, we were finally home and went to bed. The next day, and for the rest of the trip my friend was extremely sorry about having punched me, but I know I had it coming so I wasn't mad. We're still very good friends. I told everybody at home that I got hit in the face by a surfboard.

Life of a PUA

Before meeting my current girlfriend I was pretty big into this PUA thing. If you've browsed r9k with any frequency you know the deal. Whether or not it works is not the subject of this post (though the answer is ”yes it does”). I might post more PUA-adventures later, but this is one of my more.. memorable.. pick-ups.

It was November 2009, and I was alone at the nightclub on a Tuesday night. In a very un-PUAish manner, I was sitting by myself next to the dancefloor, nursing a beer. Soon I noticed a young, cute girl going from guy to guy, taking them dancing and then dumping them on the dancefloor after ten or so seconds. She was going in order, and my turn would come up soon. Luckily I had, by then, devoured tens of thousands of pages of PUA-literature and a few days worth of DVDs (no joke, and I've read a lot more since) so this was going to be a piece of cake.

She came to me and took me to the dancefloor. She immediately started grinding me, just like with every other guy. As Mystery once said, the pick-up artist must be an exception to the rule. Rather than let her grind me, I shoved her away from me and grinned. For a split second there was a look of helpess confusion on her face. Then she smiled, and shoved me back. It was totally on. I alternated between shoving her away and pulling her against me, occasiounally picking her up and spinning her around. After a song or two, I took her to sit down and talk.

The girl was dumb as a sack of bricks. Think female Forrest Gump. It was hard to keep a conversation going with her, but she appeared totally into me. I also noticed she was drinking pretty heavily. While I didn't like the girl, I wanted to fuck her for practice, and couldn't let her pass out on me. Luckily at some point she handed me 5 euros and asked me to get her a drink. I went to the bar, and asked the bartender to mix something non-alcoholic for her. I kept doing that for the rest of the night.

4 a.m came, and it was time to go home. First we headed to McDonald's to grab a late-night snack, though. She was still living at home, so she called her mom.

Her: Hey mom.. I'm not coming home tonight.

Mom: What? Where are you going?

Her: To some guy's place. * hangs up *

Me and my prize headed for the taxi stand. At the queue, she started loudly asking me if I was just like the other guys, and only wanted to fuck her. The middle-aged women in front of us gave me a nasty look. I told her I think she's a great girl and I want to get to know her better. She looked happy. When we got to my place, she told me she was a bit nervous since didn't usually go home with strange guys. ”Yeah right”, I thought.

Once inside, she said she wanted to take a shower. ”It's 5 a.m on a Wednesday morning and my roommates are sleeping” I told her, ”we're not gonna take a shower”. I took her to my bedroom, and things went from bad to worse. When I took her shirt off, I noticed she had a beer-belly that hadn't been visible before. How the fuck does an 18-year-old even get a beergut?? Jesus. She also had the tiniest breasts I've even seen. Having come this far though, I was determined to go all the way. I laid her on the bed and started fondling and suckling her tits. After about 3 seconds of this I realised she had hairy nipples. Fuck.. I decided it's time to go down-town, and started inching my face toward her pussy.

Then she started pulling her panties off, and revealed the hairiest pussy I have seen in my life. She told me that before we can fuck I need to lick her. BITCH I'M NOT GOING THERE! Thinking quick, I told her we're gonna take a shower.

When we got to the bathroom, she turned the shower on steaming fucking hot, and sat directly under it. The water was so hot I had to stand near the opposite wall. Then something I thought I'd never see happened. While sitting there, under the cascade of scalding water, she started farting. It echoed loudly off the tile floor and walls. When she heard the sounds, she began to giggle.

SO LET'S RE-CAP THIS SHIT: It's 5.30 a.m, and I have a 18-year-old fucking problem drinker with a beergut sitting in my shower farting and giggling. HOW THE FUCK DID IT COME TO THIS?? All I wanted was a good fuck.

I gave up completely. I got my arm around the burning water, turned the shower off, and gave her a towel to dry herself with. Then we went to bed. I actually tried to have sex with her, but she was so tight I couldn't even get a finger in. Guess she wasn't lying about not usually doing this. When we woke up I took her to the bus-stop, and never returned her calls afterwards.

Possible concept for a TV show?

I've had this idea for a TV-show for a while that I think could really take off. It's kind of like WWE but even more hardcore.. let me explain.

So first, you need to find 150 really young kids, right? I swear it's not what it sounds like guys. The point is to start training these kids from an early age. Train them to be Pokemon. Every kid has their own "Poker-trainer", and they're trained to resemble their Poke-alter-egos, by wearing costumes, and making the noises (so Pikachu-kid can only say "pika pikaa" and shit like that). And once trained, the kids fight each other. So far, sounds like normal Smackdown shit right? WRONG! There's something extra!

The kids all have special powers! Pikachu, for example, would be given a tazer, and Charmander would have a small flame-thrower, you get the picture. This, of course, presents some problems as well. Some Pokemons like Mewtwo would obviously be overpowered, and what about flying Pokemons? And you'd have to abduct a cripple for a Magikarp, and who would want to train him? There are some problems to be solved for sure, but I think the concept itself is solid and would attract a large viewerbase.

What do you guys think? Which Pokemon would you like to be, or to train? Share your thoughts!

How It All Began

Before going into this story I'd like to make one thing very clear. Although I am posting these for your amusement and entertainment, these stories are not fiction. They really happened.

It was August 2009, and I had just moved to Helsinki, Finland's biggest city, to study. School had just started, and on Friday we decided to go out with ten or so people from our class. We headed out at about 10 p.m (if you're from Helsinki, we went to Henry's Pub) and started drinking and talking. One Irish guy from our class was showing off how he could drink a pint of beer in like 5 seconds. Anyway, we were there for a few hours, everybody was pretty drunk at this point. We decided to go to another bar where the Irish guy worked (again, Helsinkifags, Molly Malone's).

When we got there, it was absolutely fucking packed. Coming from a smaller town, I'd never seen a bar so full. Soon enough I lost my classmates. I did a few rounds around the bar trying to find them, but it was hopeless (though I was later told that they saw me and tried to pull me to their table, but I was too drunk to pay attention). I gave up, and figured I'd have a few beers with this Scottish guy called Simon. After those beers, I decided to head home since I still hadn't found my friends.

The bar we were at is right next to a busy street where taxis pass all the time, so I figured it would be easy enough to wave one for myself. None of them stopped though, and I got quite frustrated. I even tried to open the doors of some parked cars, but they were all locked. Finally, after a long time of waving, I finally got a taxi to stop. I told him my address (took three tries) and off we went. Once in the car, I remember thinking that it's weird he  doesn't have the GPS map systems practically all taxis in Finland have. I also thought he must be wearing a pretty thin shirt, since I can see his nipples so clearly, but didn't think much of it, he was a nice enough guy. We finally got to my place after a few detours due to the lack of a map. When I was getting out of the car, I finally realised I have to pay for the ride. So I asked the guy how much he wants. "Nothing", he said, "it was my pleasure". At this point I realised three things at once:

1. There was no taxi sign on the roof, this was some random dude
2. The random dude was naked
3. He was jerking off

I didn't think anything of it at the time, just thanked him and went to bed. The next morning though, I started thinking about what happened. When I finally got out of bed, I went straight to my computer and posted this on /r9k/, so there's a chance you've read it before.


EPILOGUE

The guy was arrested in January 2010 in front of Molly Malone's, the same place where he picked me up.

New business idea!

Me and my room-mate have got this awesome new business idea. We got the idea after reading a news article (can't find the link any more) about two British guys who had been running a sperm-selling business from their basement. According to the article, they had made somewhere between 250,000 and 300,000 pounds by selling their(?) sperm to women who want to get pregnant! That's pretty good money for selling cum! So isn't it only natural for two young, virile guys to want their share of the action?

Since we made this plan about a week ago, I've been jerking it fucking mercilessly. Talking eight times a day here. My dick is completely raw and I can hardly get hard any more, but the thought of the riches waiting for me keeps me going. We don't have any customers yet, even though apparently there is a huge market out there for illegal cum. I know it's only a matter of time before the money starts rolling in - we've already casually mentioned our business to some female acquaintances  What do you think guys, will it take off?

How I Roll

Alright guys, let's start off with a story about how I like to party. This happened about two months ago.

I was working evening shift on a saturday night, and one of the waitresses asks me what time do I finish. I tell her half past ten, and she asks me if I want to go party with her and some other co-workers of ours. I've never been one to refuse an invitation to get shitfaced, even though I had morning shift coming up. So I finish my shift, take a shower and go to her place for a bit of pre-partying. We take it easy, just a few beers. It must've been about 1 a.m when we took a taxi to the nightclub.

Once there, I quickly downed a few pints to get in the mood. You know how it goes though - a few pints turns into a few more. My memory cuts off at about 2 a.m. The next thing I know, I'm crawling on the main-street of a nearby town (not the one we were at though) under the tables of some cafe. To make things even better, I realise I'm not wearing my jeans (though I did have boxers on) and my boots are missing. Oh, I was also covered in my own vomit. Anyway, it was about 7 a.m at this point, and I had to work in an hour. After ten minutes or so of crawling around, a friendly police patrol picked me up. I managed to tell them where I live, and got a free ride home.

Once home, I took a quick shower and put on my uniform. It was 7.45, and I live right next door to my workplace, so I wasn't even late. Once there, I promptly proceeded to walk into a wall and fall down on my ass, and if my knife had been a little sharper I'd now be missing the tips of two fingers. Anyway, they sent me home and told me to come for the evening shift. Didn't even get fired, everything went better than expected.

I was later told by my friends that after the club, we went to the beach because I was so hammered  they wanted to take me swimming so I'd sober up (??). When we were at the beach I had, apparently, taken my jeans off, vomited on them and thrown them away. At this point my friends gave up, put some taxi money in my boots and sent me on my way. I had then taken a taxi to the nearby town, where I woke up without my jeans and boots. I also lost my passport which was in my jeans-pocket.

I also have some other drunken adventures which I'll post later.